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beyond me
I am living.

Last night was filled with pornography, smoking (it wasn't even a good smoke >:/) and getting drunk. My family in Ohio sent me a whole bottle of Disaronno in the mail. I opened it the student center, not realizing what it was and almost crapped my pants laughing. I don't think they know I"m not supposed to have that stuff on campus.

But last night I got so drunk I can't remember half of what I did. I think I threw up, but I don't really know. I woke up today with a headache and feeling sick. So that's a hangover. And to that I say: Never ever ever ever again. Never. Screw that. I still feel sick.

I've been narrowing down the reasons why I can't believe/turn to God. I have been happier, which is good. I haven't been depressed in about a week or so now :) But the things that keep me away from Christianity... well. I'm having difficulty arguing it. I can't argue past the resurrection, and the inspiration of the Bible/inerrency is resolving itself in my mind. I've said for a long time how I've felt "abandoned," but I wonder how much of this is circular. If God exists, that is. I get upset, he draws away, I get more upset, he draws away further.

Still, I just can't stand the fact that prayer seems so pointless.

Nonetheless, after last night, I have to come to terms with the fact that I have no power of my own to overcome even the smallest obstacles. I have no discipline or strength. This frustrates the hell outta me. What Christians call "sin" - I truly am a slave to it. If I want to change the way I live, it really would require divine intervention...
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New York and Seattle. I'd like to live in California or Colorado someday. 
"Most people instead of relating to you will relay their own personal experiences to you as advice, thinking that they are relating to you even though they obviously aren't"

How the hell is someone supposed to relate to you without paralleling your experience with their own? IE: "reading yourself" into the situation? Is that not how you relate to people? If someone has had a similar experience or the same experience as I, I'd want their input unless
A: they are an idiot B:  it's clear the person doesn't legitimately care and they just want to talk about themselves (I think this must be what the person was getting at, but it's stupid to think this is what everyone does)

I didn't want to be abusive on someone else's blog, so I vented on my own. Okay, I'm done.
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I was with a cast of characters my mind had made up previously, who I had interacted with before this point. Young college students, a little older than I am, mostly girls. The setting was also familiar, though I had not remembered the setting until I was back in the place in my dream. A little theater/class-room building with an amphitheater. We were going to watch a movie. The girl started talking to me about God and all of that. Said that if I didn't change my heart (or something like that?) I would regret it. That the end was coming, that it'll be over soon and that if I don't do something it'll be too late.

I got pissed, we screamed at each other for a little while, and I stormed out. I'm in a gravel parking lot, and these guys parked next to me peel out really fast spraying me with dirt. I flip them off, give them a dirty look, curse, or something like that. Four angry eyes peer back at me from behind sunglasses (they all had beards, too, like the blokes from ZZ Top). I knew right then that I was boned. They had death in their eyes, and as they wheeled the car around...


and I woke up.
Scared the shit outta me.
A whole pack of Killian's Irish Red, and I'm pretty sure I'm drunk....

Gonna watch the rest of "The Labyrinth" now.
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Friday night: Picked up Tre, went over to Nate's. Hit the Bobo's and hung out with: Tre, Nate, Steven, Sara and Kathryn :> Then the boys went to Nate's and smoked pipes/cigars and talked philosophy and theology.
Saturday: Hung out at home all. Watched OState game and a lot of college football. Proceded to Bryce's where we were met with Prater, Lora, and Stephanie (plus Bryce and Tre and I). Had a "Farewell to Halo 2" party in lieu of the new Halo coming out on Tuesday. Supplemeted with 6-7 beers, including at least 2 vodka shots - don't think I was drunk, just buzzed. First time in my life. Happy 21st birthday to me, bitches!
Sunday: Hung out until we went to Edmond, where I met with Kilee and her shit-face boyfriend. Beginning to decide to take on the mentality of "you know what? screw it." Hung out with Becka Farr, got hit on hXc by Amanda Hoddy. Also got to see Ryan Groves <3<3<3<3 At 10 we left, and I dropped Tre off before getting into the dorm at 2:30 AM. I do not have my bedsheets. Eff.

Just a short summary. Lots more to it, but I'll add on s'more meat later.
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Arrow of Abyss (12:59:05 AM): Have you ever noticed how useless the letter "C" is?
Arrow of Abyss (12:59:13 AM): Any sound the C makes can be made by another letter
Arrow of Abyss (12:59:15 AM): Eff that guy
Arrow of Abyss (12:59:27 AM): He's like, the moocher who comes in and steals everyone's job
Arrow of Abyss (12:59:30 AM): then does it more poorly
Arrow of Abyss (12:59:32 AM): and lazier
Arrow of Abyss (12:59:33 AM): he's the mexican
Arrow of Abyss (12:59:36 AM): of the alphabet
xthelinesblurx (1:00:27 AM): If I was cody hart I would say "black"
Arrow of Abyss (1:00:40 AM): I'm hereby a konshientious objektor of the letter "C"

Clearly ,I think I'm very clever.

Still haven't gotten that book report that was due LAST Friday done.
Today we had a fire drill in the dorm. I could have sworn we left all of that behind in grade-school, but alas, we are still not intelligent enough to find an exit and escape a blazing inferno on our own. Really, these drills only serve to perpetuate the stipulation that the fire alarm does not, in fact, matter. Oh well.

In any case, we were out on the lawn, and I was talking to my friend Scott. He is from Shanghai. His full name is Jiang Zhongle.

"Scott... do you have Chinese fire drills?"

I  was told that I'm a terrible person :D:D:D:D
This is me almost exactly. ISTP.
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Here is what I used to be:

Every right-minded man has a philosophy of life, whether he knows it or not. Hidden away in his mind are certain governing principles, whether he formulates them in words or not, which govern his life. Surely his ideal ought to be to contribute all that he can, however little it may be, whether of money or service, to human progress.
--John D. Rockefeller, Random Reminiscences of Men and Events

ESTJs thrive on order and continuity. Being extraverted, their focus involves organization of people, which translates into supervision. While ENTJs enjoy organizing and mobilizing people according to their own theories and tactically based agendas, ESTJs are content to enforce "the rules," often dictated by tradition or handed down from a higher authority.

ESTJs are joiners. They seek out like-minded companions in clubs, civic groups, churches and other service organizations. The need for belonging is woven into the fiber of SJs. The family likewise is a central focus for ESTJs, and attendance at such events as weddings, funerals and family reunions is obligatory.

Tradition is important to the ESTJ. Holidays, birthdays and other annual celebrations are remembered and observed often religiously by this type. The ESTJ is inclined to seek out his roots, to trace the family heritage back to honored ancestors both for a sense of family respectability and for a sense of security and belonging.

Service, the tangible expression of responsibility, is another key focus for ESTJs. They love to provide and to receive good service. The ESTJ merchant who provides dependable service has done much to enhance her self image.

ESTJs have an acute sense for orthodoxy. Much of their evaluation of persons and activities reflects their strong sense of what is "normal" and what isn't. ESTJ humor is frequently centered around something or someone being off center or behaving abnormally.

ESTJs promote the work ethic. Power, position and prestige should be worked for and earned. Laziness is rarely viewed with ambivalence nor benevolence by this type.

Some men can make decisions and some cannot. Some men fret and delay under criticism. I used to have a saying1 that applies here, and I note that some people have picked it up.
--Harry S. Truman, Mr. Citizen
1"If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen."

The ESTJ is outspoken, a person of principles, which are readily expressed. The ESTJ is not afraid to stand up for what she believes is right even in the face of overwhelming odds. ESTJs are able to make the tough calls.

Occupations attracting ESTJs include teaching, coaching, banking, political office, and management at all levels.

Here is what I am now:

INTPs are pensive, analytical folks. They may venture so deeply into thought as to seem detached, and often actually are oblivious to the world around them.

Precise about their descriptions, INTPs will often correct others (or be sorely tempted to) if the shade of meaning is a bit off. While annoying to the less concise, this fine discrimination ability gives INTPs so inclined a natural advantage as, for example, grammarians and linguists.

INTPs are relatively easy-going and amenable to most anything until their principles are violated, about which they may become outspoken and inflexible. They prefer to return, however, to a reserved albeit benign ambiance, not wishing to make spectacles of themselves.

A major concern for INTPs is the haunting sense of impending failure. They spend considerable time second-guessing themselves. The open-endedness (from Perceiving) conjoined with the need for competence (NT) is expressed in a sense that one's conclusion may well be met by an equally plausible alternative solution, and that, after all, one may very well have overlooked some critical bit of data. An INTP arguing a point may very well be trying to convince himself as much as his opposition. In this way INTPs are markedly different from INTJs, who are much more confident in their competence and willing to act on their convictions.

Mathematics is a system where many INTPs love to play, similarly languages, computer systems--potentially any complex system. INTPs thrive on systems. Understanding, exploring, mastering, and manipulating systems can overtake the INTP's conscious thought. This fascination for logical wholes and their inner workings is often expressed in a detachment from the environment, a concentration where time is forgotten and extraneous stimuli are held at bay. Accomplishing a task or goal with this knowledge is secondary.

INTPs and Logic -- One of the tipoffs that a person is an INTP is her obsession with logical correctness. Errors are not often due to poor logic -- apparent faux pas in reasoning are usually a result of overlooking details or of incorrect context.

Games NTs seem to especially enjoy include Risk, Bridge, Stratego, Chess, Go, and word games of all sorts. (I have an ENTP friend that loves Boggle and its variations. We've been known to sit in public places and pick a word off a menu or mayonnaise jar to see who can make the most words from its letters on a napkin in two minutes.) The INTP mailing list has enjoyed a round of Metaphore, virtual volleyball, and a few 'finish the series' brain teasers.

INTPs in the main are not clannish. The INTP mailing list, with a readership now in triple figures, was in its incipience fraught with all the difficulties of the Panama canal: we had trouble deciding on:

1) whether or not there should be such a group,
2) exactly what such a group should be called, and
3) which of us would have to take the responsibility for organization and maintenance of the aforesaid group/club/whatever.

I've changed a lot!