I am living.
Last night was filled with pornography, smoking (it wasn't even a good smoke >:/) and getting drunk. My family in Ohio sent me a whole bottle of Disaronno in the mail. I opened it the student center, not realizing what it was and almost crapped my pants laughing. I don't think they know I"m not supposed to have that stuff on campus.
But last night I got so drunk I can't remember half of what I did. I think I threw up, but I don't really know. I woke up today with a headache and feeling sick. So that's a hangover. And to that I say: Never ever ever ever again. Never. Screw that. I still feel sick.
I've been narrowing down the reasons why I can't believe/turn to God. I have been happier, which is good. I haven't been depressed in about a week or so now :) But the things that keep me away from Christianity... well. I'm having difficulty arguing it. I can't argue past the resurrection, and the inspiration of the Bible/inerrency is resolving itself in my mind. I've said for a long time how I've felt "abandoned," but I wonder how much of this is circular. If God exists, that is. I get upset, he draws away, I get more upset, he draws away further.
Still, I just can't stand the fact that prayer seems so pointless.
Nonetheless, after last night, I have to come to terms with the fact that I have no power of my own to overcome even the smallest obstacles. I have no discipline or strength. This frustrates the hell outta me. What Christians call "sin" - I truly am a slave to it. If I want to change the way I live, it really would require divine intervention...