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I hate the way - simply
beyond me
polarishadow
polarishadow
I hate the way
I am living.

Last night was filled with pornography, smoking (it wasn't even a good smoke >:/) and getting drunk. My family in Ohio sent me a whole bottle of Disaronno in the mail. I opened it the student center, not realizing what it was and almost crapped my pants laughing. I don't think they know I"m not supposed to have that stuff on campus.

But last night I got so drunk I can't remember half of what I did. I think I threw up, but I don't really know. I woke up today with a headache and feeling sick. So that's a hangover. And to that I say: Never ever ever ever again. Never. Screw that. I still feel sick.

I've been narrowing down the reasons why I can't believe/turn to God. I have been happier, which is good. I haven't been depressed in about a week or so now :) But the things that keep me away from Christianity... well. I'm having difficulty arguing it. I can't argue past the resurrection, and the inspiration of the Bible/inerrency is resolving itself in my mind. I've said for a long time how I've felt "abandoned," but I wonder how much of this is circular. If God exists, that is. I get upset, he draws away, I get more upset, he draws away further.

Still, I just can't stand the fact that prayer seems so pointless.

Nonetheless, after last night, I have to come to terms with the fact that I have no power of my own to overcome even the smallest obstacles. I have no discipline or strength. This frustrates the hell outta me. What Christians call "sin" - I truly am a slave to it. If I want to change the way I live, it really would require divine intervention...
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Comments
calc_nerd From: calc_nerd Date: February 7th, 2008 05:39 am (UTC) (Link)
Hey. I'm a fellow fallen soul too. I read your entry and almost started to cry. I wish there was something I could do to over you comfort. I can promise you a couple of things:
1) God exists
2) Prayer works
3) He is always there with you
4) He loves you
5) He will NEVER abandon you

I know that at times we feel isolated and alone and abandoned but he's still there. Usually we're pushing him away, either by doing just that or by going against his will. I know this because I've been there many times--and very recently--and it's a horrible feeling and at times it's hard to comprehend what to do.

My best suggestion for you would be to do some research. Ask around. Ask people the questions about God that weigh so heavily in your mind...on your heart. I would also say come to KOINONIA some Tuesday night if you can. It's the campus Christian ministry on Southern's campus. It's pretty fun and might answer some of those questions.

Well, sorry for such a long reply but it just hit me that maybe you needed to hear some of these things...I know I'll do whatever you need to help you in any way possible.

I'll be praying for you.
1 comment or comment