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beyond me
I need some help. This may sound weird or whatever, and i know we've talked about this before, but can I ask you why you're an atheist, Sam?
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People love god when things are good and feel betrayed and angry when things are bad because God wasn’t the pursuit - because stuff was. They are angry because God didn’t give them what they wanted.

If God is master, sovereign loving giving what is BEST FOR YOU even if it is suffering and difficult to chisel away and make you holy you can be grateful even in difficulty.
But if he isn’t… he becomes the waiter to get us what we want

Is this not what I have done?
Do I question my eternal parent even as he feeds me breakfast

When it comes to argument I cannot pierce Christianity. Then again, maybe its just because it’s me. I have not yet done much research, and I do not know if someone else has found a really good argument against theistic faith. But in the meantime, if I can’t penetrate the defenses of argument, why do I rail against Christianity? Is it not because of the hard heart? Is it not because I have made other things my cause instead of God?

But I am afraid of placing my faith in God with this still in the air: The fact that I cannot find a decent argument. If an argument does come along, what will I do? I’ll be in the same situation. I have to find if there is something harder than “God is everything and everything is God so God is evil, too”

That’s deeeumb.
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  • Sadness throughout the day, nearly every day
  • Loss of interest in or enjoyment of your favorite activities
  • Feeling of worthlessness
  • Excessive or inappropriate feelings of guilt
  • Thoughts of death or suicide
  • Trouble making decisions
  • Fatigue or lack of energy
  • Sleeping too much or too little
  • Change in appetite or weight
  • Trouble concentrating
  • Aches and pains
I bolded all of my symptoms.
things that I hate:

Family's who completely fail their children
gods who fail their believers

What exactly do I mean by that?

The next thing I say to her is to make a decision already. The worst thing she can do is make this whole situation linger on. Make a decision, and be done with it. Let the boys deal with it however we choose.

But the job of the boyfriend is to be the best friend, too.

No, you can't have the better of both worlds.

The idiot sent me an e-mail saying that he wants to open up communication. No, I don't want to be your buddy. No, I don't want to communicate with you. No, I don't want to be "observed" so you can see how your girlfriend interacts with her friends. You insensitive prick. How can you be more insulting?

"I hope that this gives you a little insight from where I am coming from, and can open the door for further communication."

My ass.

Judging from the letter, he's clearly talked to her all about this. I don't think he feels that threatened anymore. I think if it did come down to a choice, I know what she'd pick. She has security with this guy, not to mention the fact that he's closer, and that he has more to lose (already saying "I love you"), and he's probably a genuinely good guy. He's already been chosen once. He's got all of that in his favor.

What do I got?

the hell
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I'm remarkably, astonishingly, and altogether deeply depressed.

It's never been like this before. Not the same old just being "sad" nonsense. I think it's a legitimate depression. It's lasted several weeks, and I feel so defeated by it. Like it's an insurmountable mountain. Thing is, I'm so resigned to it now that I'm completely apathetic about changing. I really don't care anymore. About anything. School,  work, even friends. Even God. I really just want everyone to leave me alone. I really just want to find somewhere dark, and curl up and not do anything ever again...

I'd say I'm troubled by all this, but even now, I'm going to shrug my shoulders and go to sleep.
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so I'm posting here for revision and later update:

After my numerous wanderings on the internet, and finding the latest coffee-related article, I investigated the website Boundless further and found this article. Read it and tell me what you think.

I agree with the writer in that I see a need for mobilizing my own generation, and more personally, a need to mobilize myself. I must admit that lately I've been aimless in my endeavors, and have found myself lost and wayward for some time. If you are like me (and I believe that a vast majority of you are), then you desperately crave and seek something meaningful and moving in your life. Why is there a new feature in Facebook, one called "Causes" in which young people  - specifically, college-aged students and 20-somethings - subscribe themselves to a charity, conviction, or enterprise? We want to have an impact on our world. We want to be leaders and be a part of something beyond ourselves. We want to shake things up. We want to make a difference in the lives of other people.

I am no exception, and it is under this pretext that I share some of the things that have been affecting me lately, and some of my ideas for mobilizing ourselves beyond our own superficial and worldly causes:

Pray - I cannot stress this enough to fellow Christians. We absolutely must pray. Above all, we must pray Christ into our own hearts so that we might leave our devotion times joyful, thankful, and filled. If we bring God into our everyday ordinary lives, our "ordinary" lives will resonate with eternal vision. Pray for friends, for family, for enemies, pray that God might move and shake the nations. Pray for the persecuted and oppressed, and that God may rise up workers. The harvest is plentiful, and we need more workers.

Here's a website to help get started: Voice of the Martyrs

Read - Here are some of the things that I've read that I'd recommend:
Lee Strobel's The Case for Christ, however, I must stress that this is only a good starting point if your endeavors are to become an intelligent, critically thinking Christian. After perusing through the leaves of this book, I can accredit to Strobel that it is well written and referenced. These references are an invaluable source for anyone wanting to delve deeper and challenge their faith.
Dietrich Bonhoeffer's Meditation on the Word, is by far the favorite that I have been reading. Lately I had lost a deep and meaningful relationship with the Creator. It's easy for me to lose myself in the theories, the hypothesis, the analysis and exegesis of even the Word. More than anything, however, I became lost in the lusts and vanities of the World. My faith has become dryer, my desire for knowledge and righteousness bereft of conviction and purpose. This book has aided me in my search for a connection with Christ, to get back down to basics. I found that I did not know how to meditate or properly rest on Scripture. If you are like me, and find yourself at a loss as to how to reengage yourself with Christ, then I highly recommend this book.
D.C. Talks Voice of the Martyrs, is a powerful analog of those who have been persecuted for Christ. Above all, the impact it has had on me is a focused time to pray for the hurt and bleeding countries of the world, and for the darkness that lies therein. It has given me further perspective on what it means to "suffer for Christ," and to adjust my intentions accordingly.

Write - To elected officials, to ambassadors, to governments, to editors and newspapers, and to your friends. If you have a blog, use it. If you have a newspaper, use it. There are several resources available at our fingertips to get involved! The Religious Prisoners Congressional Task Force has a website and encourages American citizens to appeal to foreign governments.

Go, get involved! - Students Following God to the Nations


Back from China

I'd like the Between the Trees album a lot.
Also Anberlin's Cities, I'm pretty sure they're my new favorite band.

Oh, Juliet! is a decent band.
Kaddisfly as well.
I should investigate Mayday Parade s'more, too.
(I've been on Purevolume.com)
And can you beileve I never heard The Chariot before just now? They aren't that great.
I LOVE The Kids of Widney High (The special ed school who made a band that appeared on The Ringer)

I watched Harold and Kumar go to Whitecastle last night. It was good for a dirty toilet-humor college-kid film.
I miss Sam.

I think I'm gonna end up being by myself a lot more this summer. I don't really mind that. Bryce will be working, Nathan will be going back to school sooner than everyone, Kilee, is in Texas, Sam is at camp, and Thomas is in Norman doing his thing there. So this tells me I either need to get a job or just get used to some more alone-time. LIke I said, that's no big deal. I did that all this last school year and in the end, I think I like having an open schedule to myself to get things I want done.

Oh man, I can't wait for the new Harry Potter movie. AND the book. Ijust remembered, Christy Kessler invited me to go see it with them. I SHOULD SO CALL HER BACK

It's hard to find a decent "Emo" band. Down for the Count isn't bad, though. A Beautiful Silence and Early Next Year and pretty typical whiney crap.

I've been printing out Five IRon Frenzy and Flogging Molly Lyrics all day.

Am I too busy trying to be a good person? As nice a thought that it is, being a good person will never ever be enough. I wasn't called to be a good person, I was called to be like Christ.
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why it is I can never ever ever seem to do anything right. I also wonder why people talk differently around me. How whenever I approach people, their conversations stop or they cease laughing. Maybe I'm just paranoid, but for some reason I don't think people are comfortable around me. I'm still trying to figure out how to be comfortable with myself here, and I'm not doing a good job. I have more good days than bad, but today was an especially bad day. Does this sound like the Alan Beck from two years ago? From last year even?

I can't stand Ryan Fletcher. I don't know whether this is jealousy or if he just annoys the hell out of me. He'll sit there and crack his jokes and wink and talk with that fake-ass southern drawl. No, you idiot, people in Oklahoma don't talk like that and you didn't two years ago. I'm doing my best to word this the right way without sounding judgmental or jealous, but I can't seem to do so. I guess I AM. Why should he make people feel so comfortable around him and make them laugh? Why do I get blank stares and confused looks when I say something that I think is witty? Looks that say, "Why the hell did he just say that?"

Why do I even say anything at all?

I came to two revelations this morning.

The first  is that just because I do something that you may think is "rude" or "inappropriate" does not make it a sin. You are confusing what inconveniences you with things that God hates, and the two terms are not synonymous or interchangeable.

I am not happy at this school. I don't know what it is. Maybe I just have an incredibly difficult time adjusting, or maybe I miss all of my friends. I hate to say "I told you so" to everyone, but sometimes I just want to scream at everyone back home who said "WE'LL COME VISIT YOU ALL THE TIME" this last summer, and have not made the slightest effort to visit, and always bitch about how much they "love and miss me." Screw you ALL, I CAN'T ALWAYS BE THE ONE TO DRIVE 3 1/2 HOURS ONE-WAY EVERY DAMN WEEKEND TO SEE YOU FOR TWO HOURS.

I feel isolated from my friends back home. My relationships here feel shallow and empty. I have no best friends, no close bosom-buddies, no set to associate with. My name doesn't come up when someone says "Let's call all the guys to do this!"

Also, it annoys me how I'll make a friend - a person who I think will be a really good close friend - and then I get left by the wayside whenever they find a boyfriend or girlfriend. I like people to spend time with me, too.

I'm so lonely I could cry sometimes.